I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
