Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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