I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I pour the whiskey from now on
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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