This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
