In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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