I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
