Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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