plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
