His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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