I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
