why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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