very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
