I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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