you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
