omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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