White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
please come you make the beer taste better
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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