there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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