Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
