WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
