The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
