The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize