somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
please come you make the beer taste better
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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