The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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