I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
