i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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