Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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