I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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