I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
