i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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