so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
ttyl tear gas
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
