and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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