Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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