I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
