Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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