Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
