On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
