The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
