I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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