i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
