Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
