now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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