Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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