I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
