the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
