We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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