Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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