I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
