It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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