I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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