woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
