he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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