What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
