Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
this hospital has no fireball
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
