Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
