Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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