Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
