In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
