listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
