I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
