I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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