she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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