I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
