i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
