Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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